Exactly a week ago, I bared [what I thought were] my true feelings to K. I told him he was my “person,” and that I had made a mistake and regretted it sorely. He said yes, he wanted to “try.” But – there would be obstacles. He lives over two hours away and works almost three away, and spends most of his time in another corner of the state, working long hours and taking care of his father, who has cancer. Admirable, yes. Practical for me, no. K is a great guy – we made out and made love and it was great for what it was, but I didn’t experience the rockets, rainbows and dolphins clapping as I’d hoped (I’ve felt them before!). It was matter of fact. And almost immediately I felt off-center.
K mentioned that he has no desire to return to my geographic vicinity. He said it “treated him poorly” and he is happier in his neck of the woods, a place where I have no desire to live as it is far from everything pertaining to civilization, and I am a “city mouse.” I also felt paralyzed by fear of giving up my single girl status. No more dates. And worse, no more surprises – like Zach Braff’s character says in The Last Kiss, one of my favorite movies. For a “relationship” that I wasn’t even sure about to begin with. Did I simply want what I couldn’t have? The comfort that it represented? The romantic notion of falling for my “best” friend?
The people in my life that know about my feelings for K seem to understand that they wax and wane. No one wants me to hurt K, but it’s not my fault. I never, ever intended to. It’s really not fair. It all somehow seemed to vaporize. K wasn’t sweet either, he hardly texted me at all. It was nothing the way I thought a so-called relationship would be. Not only removed geographically, but emotionally. Perhaps he was “afraid” of getting hurt, or something. I still don’t know. He came up for my birthday on Tuesday and of the six or seven people who came to my party, I spoke to him the least. He was always outside the bar smoking. I realized I hate that he smokes and how it makes him taste. I also realized I wasn’t as attracted to him as I should be. I was, then wasn’t. Or rather, I overlooked my lack of physical attraction to him, for feelings I thought I had, but don’t seem to anymore.
I had a fabulous, awesome birthday. My friend Jay picked up my drink and meal tab. K didn’t offer. He didn’t bring me a card or anything. (Not that I feel that he SHOULD have, it’s no biggie, but I gave him a card for his, when we were still “friends,” and it would have been nice.) I laughed a lot that night. K wasn’t really a part of my good time. My friends sensed a lack of connection. I allowed him to come to my apartment after. I was watching Life and he laid down next to me and I must have passed out, because Iwoke up at 3 am with my glasses still on. He was there. No kiss, no sex. I’d been pretty drunk but I felt no physical draw. It was puzzling. He said almost nothing to me and then left to drive the two hours back to his part of the state. Aside from a text letting me know he made it home, I have not heard from him.
I’m 99% sure we’re not together, if we are it is the worst and most pathetic relationship. We haven’t discussed the status quo but I’m alarmed by the coldness of the interactions we’ve shared, not just on my end but his. There’s an overtone of apathy that can’t be denied. If it were amazing and felt right, I guess I could give up my beloved single status. This feels wrong. But it’s too awkward and awful to talk about and neither of us seems to be coming forward to have the talk, maybe it doesn’t even need to happen. Maybe it’s just implied. I guess that’s why some things are better imagined, and not realized.