Yes, I quoted Sex and the City (again). Episode 66 – season 4, I Heart NY. One of my favorites. I’ve been asking this question of myself, especially over the last week or so.
When things ended with BV – even though they are still amicable – I knew it was going to be that way. And as easy as it is to go on dates and talk to other guys, I can’t get K – my best guy friend – out of my head. I hooked up with him drunkenly on the Fourth of July, after a million shots of Jameson. It’s still so clear in my mind, though. Then I accidentally got involved with BV, and in a guilt-tripped stupor, “chose” BV instead of K. Mistake mistake mistake.
I met K three years ago at a party I was invited to by a work friend at the time. She was a total douchebag and I’m no longer friends with her, but I am so fucking glad she invited me. I remember being completely absorbed in everything K had to say, and feeling a connection and a little bit of a crush, even though at the time I was in a long-term relationship. We went to the bar and we stayed together the whole night. We sat on a stoop and talked about everything. Exchanged numbers. Over the years we stayed friends, in and out of orbit. Eventually we got closer. Eventually he kissed me one night. I freaked out. I got so angry that my friend – my one platonic guy friend – would move in on me like that, become “one of them,” the guys who wanted me for my looks or my body. Of course, he told me had feelings for me, but I was furious just the same. I don’t know why. It was irrational and I was awful to him and he’d never been anything but wonderful to me.
I told him – and everyone I knew – that he was just a friend, would only ever be a friend, I saw him just that way and nothing more. I told them that it felt like kissing my brother and all wrong. It was so wrong, I reasoned. How dare he. He fucked it up. K was wounded but earnest, and said that he had to take the risk, and couldn’t deny his feelings for me and not act on them. He always told me I was the most beautiful and intelligent woman he knew and that he wanted to date me and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I’m used to expecting less than stellar treatment. But it was lost on me. I didn’t want him like that, and I really, truly believed it.
When I got my first and only tattoo – a big piece on my upper back – K was there with me for the first session, all three hours. He was there with me and it felt normal and natural. Not just that but afterward he cooked dinner for us – his roommate and his girlfriend. We drank red wine and then when they’d gone, he washed my tattoo and put neosporin on with so much love. I was naked and vulnerable and he treated me with more respect and care than I think I’d ever known or felt in my life. I was so drawn to him and remember texting my former best friend this. “Don’t go to him because it’s easy,” she admonished. So I didn’t. And when my second tattoo session came, I went alone, but my tattooer remarked about K’s easy demeanor. I missed him.
A few months passed, we hung out a little, and then the Fourth happened. For a week or so I burned for K. He was all I wanted or could think about, and I can’t remember ever feeling such fervent desire for a person. My attraction to him has little to do with looks – it is his words, the way his mind works, and his character that draws me to him. It’s more than words can really describe.
Then I chose wrong. BV kind of screwed me over. I’ve gone on other dates. Attracted I may be to other men, even interested and stimulated, but they aren’t K. When he told me it was done, I felt really sad. Like, I knew what was going to happen. A couple weeks ago I confessed to K that I made a mistake… we’ve been back and forth a bit. I tell him I miss him too much. I tell him I’m sorry too much. We don’t interact that often or that much. He’s so hurt and I can sense it. But it’s true, I miss him deeply and profoundly, more than I can remember missing anyone in a long time, and in a strange way. He doesn’t really know the depth of my feelings. I want so badly the chance to love him properly, to see if he and I are the real thing. Can he ever trust me? Will I ever be a girl that he can be with and not worry about? I don’t know, I really don’t.
K is mysterious and somehow unattainable now. Yet I can sense if we were together and I finally got my shit together and realized OH OKAY, I’M SUPPOSED TO BE WITH MY BEST FRIEND AFTER ALL – things would make sense, finally. “Everyone I know” has been “rooting” for him. He treated me with impeccable care, always. He has the most beautiful soul. He loves my cats. He’s a great cook. He’s a writer, too. He’s smart and sarcastic. He’s shown me things I didn’t know about the world, didn’t know about myself. He’s gentle. Kind. I can see myself with him now, ten years, fifty years. If I’m with him, I can’t imagine wanting anyone else. And this has all dawned on me very, very recently. It feels very…obvious. Strange as it is, after every date, I find myself overwhelmed with rushes of emotion for K, only for K, and that no matter who I go out with, I’m almost being pushed towards him.
I don’t know if he’ll be willing to open up to me again with how I’ve treated him. And I don’t blame him. But he’s coming back to town on Thursday, is willing to see me. Agrees that there’s really nothing more we can discuss over text without seeing each other. So you can bet I’ll be doing everything I can to show him how I feel.