I didn’t write about this when it happened, but several days ago, BV sent me a series of honest text messages. The gist was – he’s very attracted to me and has a blast whenever we hang out but doesn’t feel he’s stable or able to be “there” for me in the way that I need. (True.) He said he’s so sorry but he’s afraid it won’t work out. I responded maturely, then the next morning I got an even longer text – basically he’s going on about how much this sucks, and how he still wants to date me, or be friends, but understands if I say no. He has issues since he was cheated on and is protecting himself from any future pain or drama. I was so relieved that he was upfront since his mechanism up until then had been to just ignore me. So junior high…but I got “closure,” and girls love closure.
I responded… “I’ve learned that only way is to keep your mind/heart open; sometimes it breaks so you can grow. Shutting yourself off to new experiences and relationships is really no way to live. Is it terrifying to take chances? Yup. But worth it? Always. Every relationship, no matter how brief, has something to teach us. I really hope you don’t let a projection from the past (of something that hasn’t even happened yet) hinder your present and future relationships, whether it’s with me or the next girl. I have no intention to enter into an intense thing right now and would have preferred to ‘take it slow.’ It does suck, but if you feel you have nothing to offer, I have to respect that. Of course we can still be friends…”
Radio silence for days – then today I get a text “what are you doing tonight?”
Well, as it happens, I have my first date with my Heterosexual Holy Grail – HHG from match.com. After exchanging a proliferation of sublime emails for about a week, it’s happening. This is a man who’s not only gorgeous in the physical, but appears to be witty, intelligent and thoughtful. He can “wax poetic” about Sex and the City and knows about The Sartorialist. He has excellent taste in music and film but avoids slipping into the realm of pretentiousness. He seems to like me, in spite of what he’s read here (oh shit, thanks Google). Apparently I pull off my salacious tales with “style and grace” and I don’t seem psycho. It’s just way too good to not see what’s up. He could be awful in person, or blatantly unmannered – but he has a an impossibly sexy phone voice so I feel like that’s not going to happen.
For some odd reason, BV got under my skin. My friend observed the absurdness of this the other day. She’s like “you’re so organized with the other guys, but you sound crazy when you talk about him.” Touche. Maybe I liked the idea that we had a “meet cute” story, and we have mutual friends, and he seemed so normal. When I decide I like someone, for whatever reason, he doesn’t even have much to hold up. He can be a player (for all I know, BV was) and a kind of an asshole, not even close to gorgeous, but I’m like a moth to a flame and I have to stop myself for going back in spite of all his blatant shortcomings.
So we have a JoJo situation, I guess-
Your chance has come and gone
and you know, it’s just too little too late
a little too wrong, and I can’t wait
but you know all the right things to say
you know it’s just too little too late