Ooooooh boy. This is kind of a minefield topic so I may start slow and edit along. Disclaimer real quick though: There’s nothing wrong with online dating per se. I personally don’t have much success with it but my odds are still greater than the chances of meeting the man of my dreams while sitting on my futon watching movies with Greta Garbo and Bette Davis. I digress…
- Posing with a child or children in your profile picture. Confusing! I have to check to make sure you don’t already have kids. Because, you bet your bippy, I don’t want no baby mama drama.
- Trying to “IM” me. Who IM’s? Reminds me of AOL instant messenger in high school only you’re no one I want to talk to. I honestly think it’s one of the most irritating forms of communication. Just call someone already! I never respond.
- Weird compliments. One guy recently said I have great dimples in one picture and I should “smile like that all the time!” Um. I have dimples pretty much every time I smile and I can only genuinely smile one way.
- Living hundreds of miles away and messaging me with pining messages. What’s your point, exactly?
- Messages that just say “hey, how’s it going?” We aren’t friends, so why would I talk to you like I already know you?
- Begging to “let them” take me out. When I politely decline, groveling ensues. “Please? Just one date? I promise you’ll like me.” Ugh why!?
- hey. your very pretty. y don’t we chat sum time?
- Email blasts. For awhile I kept getting messages from a dude who’d say “Hi, my name is Justan. I just read your profile and we have a lot in common. Message me if you’re interested!” Or some lame shit that was not at all directed to me, because this was some army guy (USA love) who was clearly a meathead and possibly has never read a book ever. Dating isn’t a numbers game so don’t treat it like a marketing venture. Please.
- Profile picture deceit! Concealing lazy eyes with good photo angles should be a crime punishable by the gods of match.com! But mostly…you just looked better online.
- Shirtless pictures in a bathroom mirror taken with a cell phone. Never ever can I say that my husband or my cat’s stepfather would ever do that.
- Saying stupid shit. “You like wine too? You don’t get too drunk off some of the good stuff right?” I never responded and a day later, “You know _______ is such a great town except my GPS always loses itself on The ______ Turnpike. What kinds of thing do you like to do around ________?” Hm. Clearly you haven’t been to my town because it sucks. What do I like to do? Honestly what an inane question. Read my profile you dumb shit, I outline it for you.
It has come to my attention that I’m a complete bitch.
Over and out!